New beginnings

  Its been a very long time since I have felt confident enough to post on my blog again, to let people in, to publicly share. I'm pretty sure I may have written that in the last one too....not original but the feelings remain the same.

So much has changed since I last posted and despite the fact I am super nervous as I write this I feel its time to just let it all go, this is one way I can do that.

This time two years ago I made what felt like the biggest decision of my life, I walked away. Away from a life I thought I wanted, Away from people  I thought I trusted and loved, worst of all I walked away from people I thought loved me and I took a step towards a future I had no idea about...at all. There's something terrifying, no matter what age you are to change everything. My life changed overnight. the 30th of July will always have a tinge of sadness, a slight odour of something rotten, but as the years go by its fading and becoming less significant. This year I barely felt it, other than the memory of conversations I may never forget. Every story has two sides and I could very easily plaster the gory details but I won't. This is not what this blog is for, am I still hurt? yes occasionally, am I still exposed to pictures and snide comments on social media...yes most definitely, now more so than ever. Am I still shocked and surprised that people who felt they could call me friend, have picked their side of the battle...yes, but all I've learned is that they were never friends to begin with. Maybe that's why I have gone quiet, fallen off the grid slightly, started a new life which is quieter, more gentle and not for the admiration of others. Hindsight told me that in that last relationship I shared too much, I was too exposed and so when it all fell apart, everyone had an opinion. People who watched but knew everything...where were your words of wisdom when they actually mattered, rather than your snide comments after. People who stood at my wedding knowing what had happened and let me follow through with a decision I would so quickly regret! Social media has always been what we want people to see, Do we actually every care enough to see a person when they are more than just happy,

This month two years ago I sat with stitches in my head, my heart heavy but with steely determination that life was not going the way I wanted it to and at 24 I had to leave. It took me another 4 weeks to actually do it. I packed my life into a suitcase 4 months into a marriage knowing that I wasn't going to ever have it back, it wasn't going to be the life I wanted. That is the point of this blog and this may be the most difficult blog I've ever written because its quite frankly the most honest one I may ever write. As people we all make mistakes, we are all capable of being naive and we are most definitely guilty of trusting people who may or may not deserve that trust. I have forgiven as much as I am able to at the moment and that is important. To be unforgiving does not hurt others, it hurts us, how can we ever actually move on carrying enough baggage to drown us as soon as life gets difficult. We all have a chance to have a happy fulfilled life, with love and success but we can't settle for anything less than what we are supposed to have. Our lives are already planned out, there is such a thing as fate. It took me about a year to understand that what has happened will not define me. Yes I am a person who got married in their 20's and like many others, will also be a person in their 20's who is divorced. Does it suck? Yes Is there a stigma? Yes! I think so anyway, I felt judged not only for my decision to get married young-ish but also to have that fail. As if failing despite the fact that the cause of the break up was not my doing, was somehow going to follow me into every possible relationship. I still to this day create issues for myself because I panic about things like I did before. The irony is people break up all the time, amazing the pressure and difference a piece of paper makes, only its not just a piece of paper by society's standards, its the level of commitment. This morning I saw a meme, it said that marriage is not 50-50, its 100-100, all relationships should be like this regardless of a ring. I realised two years ago that I couldn't put in my 100 and for the good of both of us I walked away. It may seem petty to say it wasn't my fault. Some may disagree, that I should have stayed and worked harder, made the decision to see it out. Yes maybe I should have but then again I feel certain in my decision that that was never going to work. The Beatles may have said "all you need is love" but we all know that love is not the be all and end of all of a relationship.

What have I achieved since then? Well I have learned I was and am stronger than I think I am. I have achieved the qualifications to get the career I want and I have moved again. The last, while not surprising has probably had the biggest impact. I had given up on love, I had given up on happiness and then suddenly life changed again. I won't be soppy or over the top about it, but simply say that life moves on. You might think why am I bothering with this two years on  bringing it all up again, maybe because I have now got to the stage where I don't care if people know? Perhaps its because I want to show just like others do, that life is okay. There is part of me who feels like two years of silence is enough. My life was the way it was, but I will never again settle for anything less than extraordinary. Don't get me wrong, like everyone relationships are difficult, they require constant effort and growth and adapting...that's inevitable but I don't want to ever feel the way I did before. There is no rule that because you have decided to live life one way that it has to be like forever. I have also learned that asking for help is not a sign of weakness and I have learned what feeling at rock bottom truly feels like. Never again will I allow another person to make me feel like that and neither should you. I hope that those who know what has gone on in my life for a few years can see how far I've come and I hope those who are experiencing struggles see that there is light at the end of the tunnel.  If I can leave any lasting impact I hope its to show that life can get better. I now have the makings of a life I knew I always wanted with a person who makes me feel the way I should feel; valued, special and loved. Yes it is new and I have no idea what is to come but for right now I am more content, focused on what is right for both of us and have allowed that last chapter of my life to reach its close. It is a shame that my expensive mistake could have been avoided but I may not have reached this point without it and strangely I am now thankful for the journey my life has taken

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