Time to start again....

Its been 6 months, maybe more
 since my last confession...I mean blog...and it is with sadness and surprise that I once again find myself in a new situation, in a different country and feeling the strain of yet another stressful year. 3 months into the PGCE process and to be quite frank, I'm surrounded by lesson plans...some of which simply are pants and would never pass inspection. However, I keep trudging on for the simple fact that one child said hi to me at lunch and another called me a legend! I still don't like Tea and while the smell of coffee is inviting...I would much rather not have it pass my lips! Its true what they say it's the hardest year ever...not because we do not love what we do but simply because an extra year would just be nice! By the sounds of it my fellow PGCErs find themselves hidden in the corners of staff rooms throughout the country, sleeping...nowhere near enough and generally lacking me time! Bring on the Beer Tent.!!

Over the last few days, having taken a few amazing days off to sleep and simply enjoy the company of others, I found myself being slightly overwhelmed by the fact that once again at the end of this year I might have to move...again! I might have to say good bye to people who have been my supporting hand to hold to start yet another new adventure! I've even had to rename my blog! sheesh! When does it stop? When can I wake up and say no I'm staying right here and I'm not starting again? Surely life should not be this exhausting...should it? I've said it before I'm 25 going on 40...I feel old, I feel stuck in my own head and my own skin and its only just the beginning of this big journey called life.  Completely unwanted but itchy feet have started again...how do I make it stop!?! In 5 years I have moved 4 times, 3 different jobs, 2 degrees, and learned 1 new language. I have gone through countless boxes of tissues and copius bars of chocolate and I'm still no better at making decisions or knowing what way my life is going to go from day to day. There are few things keep me going these days and today I knew I had to write it all down again or else face an emotional explosion...probably infront of my year 12's just because...

It is becoming even more evident to me that I care too much about what people think of me and undergoing a year where one is constantly under review and critique its even harder. I automatically assume the worst of people because why would they be nice to me? I'm too senstive and as a result am incapable of just making a decision and being sure its the right one for ME...just ME even if that means hurting someone along the way! There shouldn't be a little devil on my shoulder telling me what I should feel or who I should love, where I should live or whether I should or shouldn't eat 5 donuts! Sitting here listening to the ever so talented One Republic feeling my mood lift I am reminded that mistakes make life interesting, life isnt fair but at the end the pain I feel some times means I'm still alive and its not a case of suffering but living with it, powering through it because "with every broken bone I swear I lived"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z0rxydSolwU&spfreload=10

Comments

  1. Unknown2 December 2014 at 14:46

    Really good post babe, enjoyed reading it! And you should never doubt yourself, what you've done in give years is insane and should be applauded xxx

    ReplyDelete

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